Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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