Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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