my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
