i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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