I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
