everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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