Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
