the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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