I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
don't judge my taste in strippers
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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