Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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