i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
