Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I am available for nakedness
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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