I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
