Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
