I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
