the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
