everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You smell like stripper and shame
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize