I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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