I want to have your abortion
just tell him i said nine months
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
