Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
