Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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