i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
