I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
