just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
