Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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