Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
soo... how was my night?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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