I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
