i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
