I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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