We won't sleep together?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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