plz talk dirty to me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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