the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
