Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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