I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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