Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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