just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
