On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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