So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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