drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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