What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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