just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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