I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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