Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
