she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
