Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
