proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
