I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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