There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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