she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
