HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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