I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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