Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
