Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
