Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
