Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize