my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
