fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
