Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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