I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
pray to the hookup gods
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