i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
