I wish my penis had an off switch
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
